your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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