you traded sex for a burrito?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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