At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
