I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
