Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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