nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
