her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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