My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
