does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
