We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
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