I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
My cat gives me a boner
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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