Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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