I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
