Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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