we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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