Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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