Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
