I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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