we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
