end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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