nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
