We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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