currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
