Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
This is the prime rib incident all over again
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
