He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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