I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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