I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
