i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
