I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
