direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
