3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I am puke
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
