I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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