i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
