we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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