I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
