I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
