take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
