Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
