You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
