you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
