Someone shit on the floor
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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