even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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