You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
