I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Randomize
