Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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