2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
