Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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