Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
