I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
