i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
