Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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