There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
There r osticjed everywhere
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
