just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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